Thank you all so much for coming to the first Annual Meeting of Adult Only Children! Ok, stop looking at your phones. Excuse me?! I’m speaking. I wrote this speech and it’s very important to me! Thank you. So I decided to found this organization by myself because as I’m sure you are all aware, we get a bad rap. People say we’re “spoiled, maladjusted brats who only care about ourselves.” Well, you know what. That hurts my feelings!
The unjust prejudice against our kind permeates every aspect of our society. Recently, it cost me a job at a much beloved retailer known for its scented candles and napkin-like blouses. You would think that a store named after the study of human beings, anthropology, would be much more accepting. But no, during the interview, they frowned when I mentioned that as an only child, I am my mother’s stylist (lately I have her wearing a lot more pleated skirts). When my mom called to ask them why I didn’t get the job, they said they were worried I “wouldn’t be a team player.”
Well, look at me now, Anthropologie! I’ve created a team, and together we are no longer only children, we are children! Together we come out of the darkness and into the light, free from shame and persecution. After all, it’s not our fault that our parents decided to stop reproducing because we broke the mold and answered all their prayers. Speaking of prayers, I would like to remind anyone who is prejudiced against only children that Jesus was an only child. And no one understood teamwork better than Jesus.
Can you actually stop eating those eclairs – I haven’t had a chance to try them. Thank you.
Despite the persecution, we, as only children, will persevere. I have recently started online dating, which was a really big deal for me and I’m very proud of myself for getting out there. Yes, my mother always calls in the middle of the dates, but I’m not ashamed. I’m done hiding. My mom and I just quickly talk for fifteen minutes while my date finishes his meal. Afterwards I politely explain that my mom needed to tell me about the gourmet sea salt she just bought, but yet again, I am met with the cold hard stares of intolerance.
Well, I’m sorry I talk to my mother a lot – I don’t have siblings to distract her. And she needs a lot of distraction. It’s football season, and my dad just isn’t available, except when he calls me during commercial breaks to talk about how much gourmet sea salt my mother bought. Well, that’s okay. I don’t need a romantic relationship or a job, because I am an only child! This is who I am! It feels good to just say it out loud. I am an only child! I am an only child! Say it with me. Or not. I guess just do it if you feel like it, and today, if you’re feeling up to it, no pressure, make some new friends. Hopefully together we can forge a path towards acceptance and understanding within the siblinged community. Thank you so much for coming to my townhouse and for listening to my speech, which I authored, by myself.