Farewell, My Colleagues

Dearest Beloved Colleagues,

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that I have accepted a job at a much better company and will now be earning twice as much as you. It has been a privilege to work here and with all of you, but I have grown too big for this small pond, and it’s time for me to fly far, far away. Still I will never forget you or this mediocre company. How can I forget my phenomenal sales record or the time I taught Max how to do his job, and he stress vomited. I’m going to miss you, buddy!

At times it may have seemed like I didn’t appreciate you, but I did. I recognize all the “worker bees” who made my tremendous success possible. Tandy – you photocopied my reports and didn’t fuck it up too much. John – you kept the Vitamin Water flowing. Cynthia – we butted heads a lot, but you know what you did, and I forgive you. Esme – I know you also applied for my new position and were upset when you didn’t get it, but they need you here! Someone has to rebuild this company after I’m gone.

As I move forward and you remain in this shit-hole, please keep in touch! Below is my contact information at my new company’s aggressively modern office space. I will also be sending out bi-weekly LinkedIn requests. I want each and every one of you to watch me live the dreams you’ll never achieve.

Fondest regards,

Your Loving Co-Worker

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