The Pitch Meeting for Dirty Dancing
Inspired by The Pitch Meeting for Wishbone by Abbey Fenbert
SUIT 1: Great name.
VISIONARY: Thanks. I named her after a baby because at first she’s like a baby, but then she sashays into womanhood.
SUIT 1: Go on.
VISIONARY: Seventeen-year-old Baby vacations with her family at a resort in the Catskills, and she is bored. Her sister’s a bitch, if you’ll excuse my French, and her parents are squares. But then she meets these dancers. They move their pelvises in ways that Baby, and the audience, has never even imagined. Her ovaries drop, and she wants in on the action, but they won’t give her the time of day – that is until she sneaks into one of their rock and roll parties by carrying a watermelon.
SUIT 2: One of my top ten summer fruits.
SUIT 1: I don’t know if I think of watermelons as being very rock and roll.
VISIONARY: Exactly. We have all carried watermelons at parties. We have all stood out, held down by our insecurities, as if we were carrying a large fruit around with us. But also, it’s a great meet cute for when she sees Johnny, the sexiest dance instructor that ever instructed dance. He’s grinding on the dance floor, and his whole body vibrates with sexuality.
SUIT 1: When you say, “vibrate with sexuality,” what kind of sexuality are you talking about?
VISIONARY: Johnny transcends all labels and conventional understandings of sexuality, but let’s say he’s heterosexual. He’s a heterosexual dancer with amazing hair. Women love him. He wears a leather jacket.
SUIT 2: Is he like part of a biker gang?
VISIONARY: More of a dance troupe. And he will protect his troupe with his life. When his beautiful, blonde dance partner gets knocked up, he takes care of her.
SUIT 2: So he’s sleeping with this blonde?
VISIONARY: No, but people think they are because every night they rub their butts and crotches against each other on the dance floor, but yet, they are more like brother and sister. If Johnny had a sister, which he doesn’t, he would be able to dance provocatively with her, and it wouldn’t mean anything. He’s able to dance with many women, many, many women, but it’s only dirty when he’s with Baby.
SUIT 2: So…Johnny doesn’t sleep with his sister, but he sleeps with Baby?
VISIONARY: He is Baby’s baby. There is no other woman for him, and he learns that when she pledges her loyalty to his troupe. She offers to take his pregnant partner’s place in a local dance presentation, taking a huge risk because she’s never danced before. She puts that metaphorical watermelon down. At first Johnny’s really frustrated because he has to train her, and he’s tired of teaching mere mortals how to move their bodies. But when they dance together in the lake (much like a dolphin, Johnny perfected his incredible balance in the water), he starts to see she has potential. Also she’s wearing white, and she’s wet – so there’s a lot to see.
SUIT 2: How much of a lot?
VISIONARY: Shadow of a nipple.
[Nods of heads]
SUIT 1: Can you tell me more about the unwed mother Johnny is taking care of – the blonde who is not his sister but is kind of like his sister?
VISIONARY: A rich asshole, a man of the establishment – everything Johnny is against – someone who can only do the fox trot, knocked her up and left her with no choice but to turn to a back alley abortionist who botches the job.
SUIT 2: Oh.
SUIT 1: This sounds a little dark for our mandate.
VISIONARY: Don’t worry. Baby saves the day by telling her father to save the day. And Johnny’s dance partner lives to dance another samba, and she looks fantastic doing it, high kicking in celebration of life without that asshole’s spawn. Then there’s a huge dance number that completely twirls the abortion out of our minds. Even Baby’s father, who has been grumpy since realizing his daughter is no longer twelve, sees Baby and Johnny dance and recognizes that his daughter has become her own person, and that she’s in love with a truly passionate, limber sex god.
SUIT 1: I love a big dance number.
VISIONARY: Baby and Johnny will dance together in a way that will alter desire around the globe, and suddenly we as a people will want things from our mates we never wanted before. We will want our partners to hoist us above their head while we spread our hands out, reaching towards a better future.
SUIT 2: Now that’s romance.
SUIT 1: Wow, we have a lot to think about here. Thanks so much for coming in. That was quite a pitch.
VISIONARY: It was, wasn’t it.
[Visionary picks up a water bottle and chugs it]
VISIONARY: I guess you could say I had the pitch of my life.