10 Tips for the Holidays
Get it together already. Thanksgiving is practically here, and beyond us is that booze and butter marathon ominously called “the holidays.” We do this every year, people, but some of us still struggle to excel. So, I’m going to help you out.
- Do not assign important Thanksgiving foods to relatives and friends who can’t cut it. Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrating survival, so brutally assess your food-making “team.” Can Aunt Roberta really handle the pumpkin pie? Last year she made it with Stevia, and it ruined your whole evening. You found it very difficult to be gracious and welcoming to her, so you drank more, and this created a vicious cycle. So this leads me to my second point.
- Pumpkin pie is essential. Make sure you get enough pumpkin pie at the actual celebration or the day after (it is an impeccable breakfast food). If you don’t, say because your mother ate it all or because of Aunt Roberta, you will spend the rest of the year over-compensating–lusting after pumpkin milkshakes and pumpkin frozen yogurt. One day you will find yourself at 7-11 sipping on Pumpkin Pie Coffee-Mate, which is neither pumpkin pie nor real cream. All of this could have been prevented.
- If your family decides to risk everything and go against rule number one by assigning you, a take-out-eating-microwaver, the turkey, there are a couple things to remember. Always get a brined turkey. Something about soaking that turkey in salt water like it was at a deadly, day spa locks the moisture in. Secondly, remove the plastic giblet bag from your turkey before you bake it. Apparently turkeys have two cavities. One is where the head used to be, and the other is a more natural cavity (I think but I’m not sure). That giblet bag can be stealth and hang out in either cavity, so you have to check both. If you forget to remove it and bake your turkey with a plastic bag of innards inside of it, just don’t tell your guests. They can handle the extra carcinogens. After all, some of them drink Pumpkin Pie Coffee-Mate.
- Later, tell everyone at work that you forgot to remove the giblet bag. A delivery man asked me how my Thanksgiving was, and I told him my turkey crime. As he went out the door, he earnestly said, “You work on that turkey.” I will.
- When Thanksgiving has passed, excitedly tell your boyfriend that you know what you’re getting him for non-religious-winter-holiday-that-you both-call-Christmas, therefore intimidating him and forcing him to start thinking about what to get you.
- Then when he asks you what you’d like, tell him that you have everything you need and can’t think of anything you want.
- Keep year-round i-Phone Notes on all your loved ones. At any moment they could tell you what they want without even knowing it. When it’s time to actually buy them a present, notes such as “saran wrap” will be miraculously helpful.
- All of those long letters people send in their Christmas cards should be analyzed for dark, twisted subtext. What does “Todd’s taking the time to figure out his next step” mean? Is that code for “rehab?” And we all know Cindy’s not just “loving soccer.” Other families must be mocked and criticized this time of year. How else will you feel good about your own?
- Physical strain will help your body digest and allow for the consumption of more food. My mother likes to make us go on a hike after every holiday meal. Me and some poor cousin hobble up the trail, clutching each other and groaning like the animals we just consumed. Then we go home, eat pie and watch Bridget Jones Diary.
- Don’t bother pretending you like the gifts you receive. Your grandmother needs to know that the psychedelic, paisley shirt purchased in the Sundance Catalogue isn’t you. How else will she learn and buy you better gifts? Lying to her would be disrespectful. Of course, this attitude does sometimes backfire, and all you will get is socks. Endless pairs of socks.