Best of SkyMall: Late Spring 2014

Queeen of Clean

I’m positive that purchasing this vacuum cleaner is a red flag for all sorts of psychological issues. But the fact that you can get a “His and Hers” deal excites me. I hate sharing vacuum nozels with my partner. I wonder if it comes in pink?

Hair

If you squint and read closely, the endorsement quote says “Too early to tell but so far…hair seems fuller, thicker!” It’s like going to a restaurant and only interviewing the people who just sat down. Also good thing this has an ergonomic grip, so you can really grab on while you laser your head.

Jeans

I don’t know where to start. The model looks like he’s being held hostage. They threw a mounted squirrel head in with the apparel, and then there are the jean lounge pants. They really didn’t aim high while disguising these sweat pants. In fact, one could argue that they managed to insult two kinds of pants at the same time.

T-Shirt Dog Bed

There’s a squirrel motif throughout SkyMall. Maybe there’s been some research that the average American, while suspended in air, thinks squirrels are hilarious. I imagine a lot of people buy the “It is what it is” bracelet while traveling. After surviving security and Bert the heavy breather sitting next to you, this might be the only philosophy you still hold dear. As the copy says, “Accept life as it is; from here on forward, it’s all up to you.” The dog bed looks totally uncomfortable and as if it was built for American Girl Doll dogs.

GorillaThe best for last. Who thought of putting a bunch of cheerleaders on him? “Additional shipping charge applies.”

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