The Outback

How did you prepare for the Outback?

Camille: Sunscreen. Lots and lots of sunscreen. I also dressed in all denim, which is normally called a Canadian tuxedo, but I think we can make an exception and call it an Outback Tux.


“Home of the Bloomin’ Onion”

Tamar Stevens: I brought rope.

C: I also researched the journey, reading Zagat and Yelp, talking to the natives. I was prepared to go on a “Walkabout: of flavor.”

T: I just made sure to start throwing “mate” on the end of things so I’d fit in.

C: Tamar really did fit in there. I felt like I had to catch up, and I really wanted to be accepted because I had legitimately heard good things. People I socialize with secretly frequent Outback.

T: My friend Jesse said he once found a screw in his food and never went back. So that’s where my head was at.

C: Someone had a screw loose…

How was the decor experience?

C: It was wonderful–not overdone. I would say it’s tasteful unless you’re an aborigine.


T: The bathroom was really a missed opportunity. AGAIN.

C: But it made us think about politics, which is a first for a chain restaurant bathroom.

T: Yeah, I was like, I wonder if the decor is an actual representation of aborigine art or if Outback is ripping them off. I do my best thinking on the john.

C: You know what would have pushed them over the edge for me?

T: If the toilet water spun the opposite way, like it does down under?


What did you order?

C & T: The Bloomin’ Onion! DOI!


C: It was so so so good. As you can see, I ate half of it. I was expecting just an onion ring, but the layers of spicy flavor. Beyond.

T: I was most excited about it going in, but while Camille loved it, I wasn’t so taken. I had to mix my own sauce, and it was hard to keep the fried pieces on the onion.

C: You know things are going south when Tamar starts creating her own sauce. She schools them right there at the table. She sets up a master chef demonstration with ketchup and mayo.

T: You know it, bra! For lunch we split a steak, mashed potatoes and green beans. Everything was massaged in butter.

Ominous Picture

Ominous Picture

C: We compromised on how well done the steak was, and I don’t recommend that. Sharing is caring but not when it comes to steak.

T: But in sharing’s defense, they over cooked the steak, so it wasn’t really the compromised-upon-steak at all.

C: All I’m saying is if we’d ordered medium rare, like I wanted, probs wouldn’t have turned out that way…

T: I concede.


The waiter?

C: Tamar and I wondered why neither of us were making eye contact with him, and it was because–

T: He was cute…is what Camille says. I’m not sure I ever really got a good look at him.

C: Because you sensed he was cute and therefore couldn’t ever look at him. Cute makes us both uncomfortable. He seemed to know what he was doing too.

T: “I’ll be taking care of you today.”

C: “Any more strawberrry lemonade?”

T: He laughed at our jokes too. Anyone who knows me knows that is my number one turn on.

C: We should have asked to sit in another section.

T: But didn’t he have those lobe things? What are they called?

C: Plugs.

T: Yeah I’m not into that.

C: Pretty sure they’re native to the Outback. Maybe they’re from New Zealand?


They let you carve your own bread. It’s rustic.

Would you go back?

C: I would wholeheartedly go back for that Bloomin’ Onion!!

T: Probably not.

C: This is the first time we’ve disagreed. I’m saddened.

Where are you off to next?

C: One word. Flair.

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