How did you prepare for the Outback?
Camille: Sunscreen. Lots and lots of sunscreen. I also dressed in all denim, which is normally called a Canadian tuxedo, but I think we can make an exception and call it an Outback Tux.
Tamar Stevens: I brought rope.
C: I also researched the journey, reading Zagat and Yelp, talking to the natives. I was prepared to go on a “Walkabout: of flavor.”
T: I just made sure to start throwing “mate” on the end of things so I’d fit in.
C: Tamar really did fit in there. I felt like I had to catch up, and I really wanted to be accepted because I had legitimately heard good things. People I socialize with secretly frequent Outback.
T: My friend Jesse said he once found a screw in his food and never went back. So that’s where my head was at.
C: Someone had a screw loose…
How was the decor experience?
C: It was wonderful–not overdone. I would say it’s tasteful unless you’re an aborigine.
T: The bathroom was really a missed opportunity. AGAIN.
C: But it made us think about politics, which is a first for a chain restaurant bathroom.
T: Yeah, I was like, I wonder if the decor is an actual representation of aborigine art or if Outback is ripping them off. I do my best thinking on the john.
C: You know what would have pushed them over the edge for me?
T: If the toilet water spun the opposite way, like it does down under?
What did you order?
C & T: The Bloomin’ Onion! DOI!
C: It was so so so good. As you can see, I ate half of it. I was expecting just an onion ring, but the layers of spicy flavor. Beyond.
T: I was most excited about it going in, but while Camille loved it, I wasn’t so taken. I had to mix my own sauce, and it was hard to keep the fried pieces on the onion.
C: You know things are going south when Tamar starts creating her own sauce. She schools them right there at the table. She sets up a master chef demonstration with ketchup and mayo.
T: You know it, bra! For lunch we split a steak, mashed potatoes and green beans. Everything was massaged in butter.
C: We compromised on how well done the steak was, and I don’t recommend that. Sharing is caring but not when it comes to steak.
T: But in sharing’s defense, they over cooked the steak, so it wasn’t really the compromised-upon-steak at all.
C: All I’m saying is if we’d ordered medium rare, like I wanted, probs wouldn’t have turned out that way…
T: I concede.
C: Tamar and I wondered why neither of us were making eye contact with him, and it was because–
T: He was cute…is what Camille says. I’m not sure I ever really got a good look at him.
C: Because you sensed he was cute and therefore couldn’t ever look at him. Cute makes us both uncomfortable. He seemed to know what he was doing too.
T: “I’ll be taking care of you today.”
C: “Any more strawberrry lemonade?”
T: He laughed at our jokes too. Anyone who knows me knows that is my number one turn on.
C: We should have asked to sit in another section.
T: But didn’t he have those lobe things? What are they called?
T: Yeah I’m not into that.
C: Pretty sure they’re native to the Outback. Maybe they’re from New Zealand?
Would you go back?
C: I would wholeheartedly go back for that Bloomin’ Onion!!
T: Probably not.
C: This is the first time we’ve disagreed. I’m saddened.
Where are you off to next?
C: One word. Flair.