Please accept this letter as my two-weeks notice of resignation. The last day of our relationship will be Wednesday, July 4, 2012.
While I have been moderately satisfied as a Henderson family member, I have decided to make this move to advance my career as a sane human being. I have often enjoyed being your progeny, and I appreciate some of the tools and memories you have provided me with.
While with the Hendersons, I improved my interpersonal skills, learning to share a bathroom with three brothers–none of whom ever cleaned their pubes from the bathroom drain. I pioneered the use of Draino–despite its environmental impact, which you found so upsetting.
Part of my reason for leaving involves the general lack of family sanitation (Roger often walks on the table while we eat!) I also find I am called upon to do tasks that are not part of my relationship description: explaining Facebook, programming cell phones and arbitrating marital arguments.
Regardless of our disagreements in the past, Christmas (1992, 1999, 2005), haircut (2003), and the remote control (ongoing), I have grown within the family, literally and figuratively. I hope that this parting can be reached amicably. I admire the Hendersons in many ways, the festive Christmas lights left up year round, the political zealotry, bran muffins and free flowing Xanax, but I have come to realize that I am not a good fit with this family culture of slovenliness and instability.
I will do my best to hand off my current responsibilities (collecting rubble, staving off panic about “the man” and explaining contraception to my brothers) to a second cousin or perhaps in-law. Please let me know if you have any questions about this transitional period.