Intern MemoDear Interns,
In order to receive school credit you must fulfill all of your intern duties, including emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, filling the copier, recycling, and fetching anything (especially edible items) anybody asks you to get. Although these aren’t the glamorous parts of the industry, they are necessary, vital elements of running a business, and no doubt your educational institution wishes you to experience them. If you are not receiving school credit for this internship, we remind you that as you are under no obligation, emotionally or physically, to continue working here, this can not be considered slavery, as defined by the United Nations.
Also, it has been brought to my attention that some of you have been hording M&Ms. We graciously allow you to partake of our office snacks, but please consume them modestly, allowing the actual employees to have their fair share.
Regarding the recent security breaches, from now on please confirm all security clearances with an actual employee. If the interns had followed this procedure, the incident with the lady and her parrot would not have happened. Also, please do not sign anymore legal documents on behalf of the company. This kind of behavior will result in the refusal of school credit or, if you are not receiving credit, the barring of your person from the premises.
This brings me to my final point. The ladies restroom was not designed to withstand persistent yoga use. It has been brought to our attention that several female interns have been using the handicapped stall as a yoga studio, marring the wall with their feet marks. While we realize this internship has its stresses, please refrain from performing yoga handstands. We also question whether exercising in the bathroom violates state-instituted standards of office sanitation.
Thank you so much for your continued assistance, and Happy Holidays! Those of you who volunteered to stay here on Christmas and New Years please see me (there might be compensation in the form of chocolate and pretzels!)
Intern Coordinator and Office Manager